A defence of British Justice
Sir,
British justice is the best in the world. Whereas some countries can boast of exporting things like ‘cars’, or ‘computers’, or ‘software as service’ and other, other… Spiverry… creating things like ‘jobs’ with ‘salaries’, for people who perhaps Ought to be more concerned with their own spiritual and moral welfare, Britain has led the way in an Ethical industrial policy: exporting sound counsel, the highest standards of integrity and a scrupulous attention to detail. Our common law inheritance influences Democracy from Pakistan to Bangladesh.
Over the past week, misinformation, much of it spread through social media, has misinformed the public that British justice might be ‘bad’ when in fact it is objectively ‘good’. To question this judgement is to question the government’s own impartial definition of what is objectively good.
In accordance with the impartial and objective guidelines on Transparency in Law, we have elected to allow a limited number of film-crews into a limited number of cases relevant to the recent disorder in which I am presiding in my capacity as Under-Recorder of the Royal Secret 10th Northern Circuit.
Abdul Karim vs. The Crown
“Sir…”
“Sir…”
“What is your name.”
*grunts*
“You have been arraigned for twelve counts of rape, two counts of child molestation, three counts of child abuse, five counts of murder and violating the dangerous Dogs act. The evidence includes several video footage, uploaded by yourself to named social media, in which you disembowelled Mary Mae Smith, 9, of Freehills School, Leeds, and fed her younger sister to ‘your dogs’. You possess additional public content of ‘your dogs’ performing sex acts on several kidnapped women. How do you plead?”
*grunts*
“Mr. Karim, it is not for me to say whether these acts are disgusting and Wrong, they are Against the Law… However, the intelligence and honesty with which you have conducted your defence must be recognised as meeting all known standards of Objectively Good things. The court must recognise that it would be unworkable for Mr. Karim to spend more than half of his future sentence in prison, indeed, it is likely another Judge will simply release Mr. Karim at a later date. This is inevitable. There is nothing we can do about this. There are, in addition, extenuating circumstances; like what shall become of Mr. Karim’s dogs. I thereby sentence Mr. Karim to 2 days community service in the local old people’s home.”
Bill Freight vs. The Crown
“YOUR NAME IS MR. WILLIAM FREIGHT OF 12 SPITFIRE AVENUE.”
“Yes.”
“SHUT UP SONNY YOU’RE NICKED.”
“...”
“You are 71 years of age?”
“Yes.”
“You have paid taxes for 46 years, you have a family of twelve including two grandchildren of whom you are the sole caregiver, you are a prosperous small businessman with a valued air-conditioning firm; in addition to this, you have raised countless millions for Cat’s Protection and help for heroes.”
“Yes.”
“Oh no, my son, that is where you are sorely mistaken. Not any more, because you know what you did?”
“I posted naughty images on the Internet.”
“This. Specific. A.I GENERATED. Naughty image.”