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Tim Chapman

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To rebuild a bit of credibility, we give you Tim Chapman. The past, and now the future of all political commentary.

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Don’t lose faith in British politics just yet

As the year closes, and it looks like Keir Starmer may very well be wobbling, there is still some cause for optimism. For hope.

For whilst it has been a treat to be ruled by a leader as fair, and as wise as Sir Keir Starmer KC - there is also something to be said for letting any number of our brilliant politicians from across the political spectrum have a go at governing country.

Because there is plenty of a talent on the bench, even if we are two-kneel down with extra time on the clock.

Just take Shabana Mahmood. Or as I call her, ‘mummy’. A British-Pakistani women with a bit of fire in her belly. Forget about the fact that she once attempted to a whip up mobs of protestors into intimidating MPs who were not outspoken supporters of Palestine. Forget about it, or like me, never Google around about the politicians you are credulously endorsing after a fourteen minute call with their Comms Spad (that’s communications special adviser, to you civvies).

As Justice Secretary, she took no prisoners. Indeed, she released many, but only sometimes by accident. As Home Secretary, she has resolved the tricky issue of immigration by being a non-white woman who talks tough, much the same winning strategy which catapulted the likes of Priti Patel and Suella Braverman to such high and everlasting esteem.

And I think it’s about bloody time we had our first woman leading the Labour Party, let alone an ethnic. That’s right, I really believe that the question of who should lead a country with Nuclear weapons should be decided on the basis of avoiding chummy criticism from centre-right commentators about how we’ve never had our own answer to Mrs Thatcher.

Or Wes Streeting. What a story. A likely laddy born to a total mess of a family (criminals) in a council flat in East London. Not only did he make it to Cambridge by way of Westminster City School, he is filled with righteous anger towards the likes of Jeremy Corbyn or Nigel bleedin’ Farage.

His puffy face turning a shade of puce as he strains to keep his veins from bursting during yet another apoplectic rage filled rant. He’s exactly the sort of person you’d want as a boss, which is why he has such an easy time keeping onto his staff. An unnamed source, whose name is Joe Dancey, tells me that Wes Streeting has the pluck and courage to give it to blustering populists of all shades, spots and stripes. There’s no arguing against that.

Ed Miliband. Now here is one for the books. Laid low by David Cameron, widely considered by the electorate to be a dyspraxic imbecile; resurrected like a Phoenix from the ashes. Miliband is a bit of a goofy character, but wouldn’t there be something just brilliantly British about letting the Silly Sausage run the country?

Just imagine the slapstick hijinks we would all be entreated to watching Miliband trip over himself at international conferences. We may be a declining power but what we lack for in money, weapons or prestige we can easily make up for with pity and sympathy.

And dare I also say, even as a lifelong Labour supporter, that there is much to be said for one Kemi Badenoch. Now, I may be at risk of repeating myself here, but lets get the obvious out of the way first. She is neither White, nor male. She is a black woman. She is a woman and she is black. Even I, as a smells and bells social-democrat find the moral force of that argument in her favour almost impossible to counter.

I could say that some of her views on the welfare state carry the stench of Austerity, but truly, my heart would not be in it. Badenoch, or any flaws that she may or may not have, comes from a traditional centre-right tradition of robustness on Defence and the championing of Markets. A familiar enemy, but somebody you could see yourself working across that despatch box constructively on issues such as Ukraine, banning smartphones for young people, restricting access to the internet more generally or gender diversity in Top FTSE 100 companies. It’s been marvellous watching her find her feet in Prime Minister’s Questions, even if those broadsides have been coming in our direction. Any thinking member of the left must see that the Conservative and Unionist Party of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is a necessary bulwark, nay, ballast, against the Darker impulses which can sometimes arise on the right of British politics.

Which brings us nicely, yet unfortunately, to the final piece of the puzzle. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage is a lot like a villain in a book, a film, or a television show. He has a curly little moustache which he likes to twirl while plotting his schemes, and a big burlap sack with a rouble sign on it.

Farage’s rap sheet is very long, longer than just taking bribes from Mr Putin. It includes the crimes of Brexit, algorithms, dark data and division.

But his greatest crime of all is not his pollution of our communities but the pollution of our politics. I adore everything about Westminster. The Red Lion pub, Mr Speaker, briefing Chopper, Mr Speaker. Bing Bong! Bing Bong! This is the world to which I wish to return. Celebrating our politicians without restraint. Without any real criticism, or difference of opinion.

That is impossible so long as Nigel Farage, who lets not forget, attempted eight times to get elected and was rejected by the electorate each time (so how ‘popular’ is this ‘populist’???) until he was unfortunately elected, sits in the House of Commons. He is a poison. A parasite. A weed who must be torn out root and stem. A rat who must be drowned.

The best time to get rid of him was yesterday. It would also be great if we got rid of him today. Failing that, as a compromise, the best we can hope for us it to get rid of him tomorrow.

ENDS

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