THE RETURN OF BORIS JOHNSON
January 2029-July 2029
As the 2024 Parliament draws to a close, and an election looms, British politics is in disarray. The Labour government commands a comfortable majority - but not a settled country. Economic stagnation and rising social unrest have sapped the nation’s post-pandemic optimism. Reform UK is strong, but not strong enough to win. The Greens remain a moral force without serious power. And the Conservative and Unionist Party, once the natural party of government, is circling the drain: polling at a historic low of just 6%, its leadership broken, its base disillusioned, its purpose unclear.
In desperation, the party turns to its most combustible asset: Boris Johnson.
Three years after resigning from Parliament under a cloud of scandal - again - Johnson is summoned from his political wilderness. Tabloids call it a comeback; broadsheets a last roll of the dice. For the Tories, it's both. He re-emerges with a familiar swagger and a carefully rekindled populist flame, railing against "Green Belt bureaucrats," "the tyranny of woke," and "the Brussels-loving blob." The effect is electric. Membership surges. Local associations roar back to life. Once-muted voters, nostalgic for Brexit bravado and vaccine triumphalism, thrill to his revival.
But Johnson’s return does not go unopposed. Standing in his path is a new force within British politics, young, digitally native and pugnacious. Dubbed “the Resistance” by its followers and detractors alike, it’s not a party so much as a movement, armed with viral videos, tweets and ‘memes’.
January 2nd, 2029
CON 6 (-1)
The Corsican Ogre emerges from his lair…
“Our party faces a unique challenge. But also, a unique opportunity! Yes! Join me! As we shove two fingers up to socialist Keir Starmer, and the Putin apologists in Reform!”
At first, the press is dismissive
“Are we really, seriously, are we really doing Boris, again?”
“Ooh, I don’t know about the electorate. But I think Boris is just SCRUMPTIOUS.”
“Come and give your auntie a kiss…”
January 23rd, 2029
CON 11 (+5)
A small improvement in the polls for the Tories, the press begin to chatter…
“Bish, bash, boff! Our world-beating vaccine rollout!”
BUT THEN: the Online Right launches a sally
“INTRODUCING the Number One foolproof 100% effective political strategy:
The Literally Don’t Vote For the Person who imported 1 million third worlders and PERMANENTLY frayed the high-trust social fabric strategy - GUARANTEED effectiveness in starting to make your society (reasonably) better”
“LITERALLY a party in desperation. Boomer ghost dancing while the walls fall in. Honestly would be sad - if it weren’t so pathetic.”
“Slop politics.
Increasingly senile boomers lining up to vote because they saw an AI Boris shaking hands with an NHS nurse on Facebook.
End times vibes.”
Devastating.
February, 2029
CON 16 (+5)
Boris Johnson has weathered the internet storm…
“I want to see opportunity spread up and down this great country. The UK Tech Sector springing to life in cities like Doncaster and Hull.”
And so, the online right retreats to more familiar ground…
“Weekly Roundup: in the Lithuanian Local Elections, the Centrists won seventeen seats.” [Paid Advertisement]
“I went to a provincial town and saw black people.”
March 2029
CON 26 (+10)
PANIC STATIONS!
The BBC arranges a debate, in front of a live studio audience.
“I mean really! I mean really! Reform are the only party that will work on behalf of the British people. And when I meet young people up and down this country, they tell me they are properly sodded off with this ‘Yookay Boriswave’.”
“Yes, yes. Hands held up. We did make a spaff of it. I think immigration is a good thing for our economy, but it’s got to be controlled!”
“And d-ya, d-ya know something. D-ya know what they tell me too? They say they want ethnic minorities to wear earphones on public transport.”
“Well wah rah I think when it comes to having a jam, without earphones, on the Tube, I have to say I’m sort of an old style liberal!”
“The same old Tories. The same old Boris Johnson. No change, no appetite for change. Just the promise of broken promises.”
“Listen up, Sir Kneeler, once I’ve become PM again, i’m going to put you and your Brussels cabal in prison!”
A standing ovation immediately breaks out in the audience.
Keir Starmer has to be escorted out of the studio by his protection as the audience begins throwing eggs at him and baying for blood. After he leaves, everyone attending immediately signs up for a Conservative Party membership.
April, 2029
CON 38 (+12)
Some of the mainstream right’s social media stars are not happy about being sidelined by Boris Johnson.
“Boris. NO FURTHER. You LET the voters down. This HAS to stop.”
“He’s a joke! He’s a trolley! His girlfriend got me sacked! You’ve got to Look For Growth!”
“I was responsible for getting the Bully XL banned.”
“Banning dogs? The nanny state telling us which pooches we can have? My hero is the mayor in Jaws. He's a fantastic guy. Day one, we’re letting the dogs out.”
May 2029
CON 52 (+14)
The forces of reaction gather…
In a desperate attempt to save themselves, Labour and Reform form a coalition.
Then, a General Election is called…
“D’ya know something? I might not always see eye to eye with him.”
“Nor I with him.”
“But deep down. Deep down, he’s a decent chap, he really is. And d’ya know?”
“…”
“The man who lied to the Queen.”
“And ate that slice of cake.”
“And I’ve always said, as I’ve always said, Tony Blair would make a brilliant Vaccines Minister.”
“Together, we will stop Boris Johnson. On July the first. You, the British public, will have your say.”
“…and I tell you, we are going to make Britain the Saudi Arabia of Wind. Stand up for our Allies in Ukraine. And toss out Keir Starmer’s shirkers charter!”
June 2029
CON 71 (+19)
The mood in the country turns. Open opposition to Boris becomes physically dangerous as Johnson-mania raises to the point of derangement.
“This Brussels surrender deal, reversed, on day one! And the people who did it, put in prison!”
We all embrace the inevitable in our own way.
“Well well well, ‘C’est la vie’, as they say…”
Some retreated to the world of ideas, thinking, to reading books.
"…his crown will be the funeral wreath of humanity and this planet will, as it did thousands of years ago, move through the ether devoid of men.”
June 31st 2029
CON 99 (+28)
Bargaining, the final stage of grief…
“Please Boris. Please don’t arrest me and put me in prison! I’m sorry for not prosecuting Jimmy Savile!”
“Donnez-moi un break.”
July 1st, 2029
Britain, under the unassailable leadership of Boris Johnson, has entered a new golden age. The man once dismissed as a maverick now stands vindicated, having led the nation to a triumphant restoration of its global standing. The vaccine rollout - faster, nimbler, and freer than the EU's plodding bureaucracies, was only the beginning. Our world-leading life sciences sector, powered by British innovation and unshackled by red tape, now produces the lion’s share of global mRNA treatments.
The Union Jack flies not only from Belfast to Bognor, but on the moon, Mars, and every meaningful frontier of human progress. While others dithered, Britain, spearheaded by its irrepressible Prime Minister - acted.
From the white-hot forge of British ingenuity has risen a tech sector now rivalling Silicon Valley. Our universities hum with new discoveries; our cities with prosperity; our countryside with patriotism and quiet pride. Freeports sparkle along our coasts. The civil service, streamlined, runs like a well-oiled Spitfire.
Gone are the days of self-doubt and decline - today, children grow up believing they can cure cancer, conquer the stars, or host Question Time. For the first time in decades, Britain is not just surviving, but thriving - and it is all, unmistakably, the Johnson Effect.
Post this on Facebook and you will have thousands of Tory boomers instantly jerking off.
It's like the politics equivalent of a disgusting sex act on Pornhub.
You look at it and think, that's not possible.
Then you see it *is* possible.
And then the *really* bad feelings set in.