The J’accuse House Style
A guide to contributors
J’accuse is that rare thing in media; it manages to be erudite whilst maintaining a massive audience. A cult classic, and a box office success. We do not need to broaden our appeal in order to grow, allowing the paper to remain avant-garde.
It is one of the many blessings of the internet age that we do not have to follow Orwell’s advice to write in clear contemporary English, as we can assume an informed reader. If one of our readers doesn’t understand a word we use, or a historical/literary reference, that should be both a source of shame and a learning opportunity.
With that all said, we owe it to our paying subscribers to never waste their time. Every inch of copy should count. What’s more, to remain tastemakers we must demonstrate our own good taste. With that in mind, the J’accuse editorial team has been hard at work drafting a ‘house style’ to be used as a tool by contributors.
The J’accuse House Style
Generally standard British English spelling and punctuation, however:
No Windsorite baubles [Lord, Sir, OBE etc] nor military titles [General] except for ridicule.
Always capitalise ‘White’, never capitalise ‘black’, even (especially) when it is the first word of a sentence. During a writer’s Aristeia they are entitled to capitalise all Ws in a paragraph. Don’t capitalise ‘government’. Always capitalise ‘Merit’. ‘Britpopper’ is always to be written out in full.
No ‘Iconic Venues’ drawl inc:
Last Japanese soldier in WW2
‘Boriswave’
‘Human Quantitative Easing’
Hate Marches
‘You can just do things’
‘Pantsuit deportation’
‘Inshallah’
‘This is not a game of cards’
‘High’ or ‘low’ trust
‘Speedy boarding’
‘Robust’
‘Hindu Sectarianism’
Other banned phrases:
‘High’ or ‘low’ status
‘Vibes’
‘Bosh’
‘Performative’
‘Geopolitics’
‘Nicholas 30 ans’
‘Sensitive Young Man’ is banned unless you can prove you have the credentials to use the phrase.
No criticism is allowed of:
Donald Trump
Peter Hitchens
Afrikaaners
Ulstermen
Volga Germans
It is only permissible to directly endorse one politician, Donald Trump.
Only the Editorial staff are allowed to criticise:
Dominic Cummings
Boris Johnson
Liz Truss
It must always be remembered that Fraser Nelson opposed lockdown and vaccine passports.
Canonical truths which must be observed:
Despair for the European people is a sin.
Britain’s racial crisis predates 1997.
Mirpuris are not solely responsible for sexual violence against White girls.
There is nothing to celebrate graduate scheme slavery or the lifestyle quirks (e.g living in South-West London) associated with it.
The Online Safety Act is evil.
Vaccine harms are real, and support for Lockdown is unforgivable.
Tony Blair was a malign fool.
Doctor Lawrence Newport is a scoundrel.
Show some respect to the Bully XL.
Banned Arguments:
No criticism of incels or celebration of normality.
No Thatcherite screeds about bennies until deportations.
Never, ever use opinion polling except to criticise it.
No ‘femcel’ garbage inc; ‘foid’, ‘Kiwifarms’, general disdain for online female culture encouraged.
No Boring Right jingoism against Continental Europe or any part of the Anglosphere. We are all one people with a shared destiny.
No food bullshit (exception: Marquis).
Some general advice about writing for J’accuse
J’accuse is both a journal of ideas and a newspaper; the best articles are usually a mixture of the two, using a news story (or a contemporary Debate on X) to frame a wider thematic discussion. Give the audience a reason to read what you have written. A rough target to aim for is one quarter rhetoric and three quarters information. Use hyperlinks as much as possible. We value originality - do not insult this institution by sending in derivative garbage.
This is a centre-left publication which makes some concessions to the centre-right, particularly on Defence. Substack cannot be given an excuse to deplatform us, as this would cost me money, so err on the side of implication.
To write for J’accuse is an honour. Historians shall one day trace all relevant intellectual developments in the 21st century back to these pages. We have no need to trumpet our successes, either by acknowledging when our work is discussed in the mainstream media, or by discussing which famous people read our work. The second point is particularly important - it is part of the unspoken compact between a subscriber and an anonymous publication that we do not comment on their identities, ever.
Like all good writers my main motivation for putting pen to paper was to give myself a legacy - in case I decided to take my own life early; so that at least some part of me would survive in the digital world. For my existence to continue forever, behind some broken hyperlink, an unregistered domain.
If you yourself are haunted by suicidal ideations, please do send a submission to jaccusepaper@gmail.com. There is nothing more therapeutic than aggravating established figures in the media to the applause of a small coterie of online trolls. Give life a chance.