I want to play a game with you.
I want you to try and define J’accuse.
In a term, or even a sentence.
Notice how difficult that is?
Is it simply the leading substack which has defined the shape of political discourse since its inception? Yes. An investigative machine which holds politicians of all stripes and spots to robust account? Of course. A purveyor of tabloid filth? The spiritual successor to News Of The World? You betcha.
It is all of these things. But it is also so much more. It represents a revolution in thought comparable in scale to the combined efforts of legions of thinkers; Engels and Marx, Plato and Socrates, David Beckham and George Best.
J’accuse may defy simple categorisations. But there are plenty of suitable adjectives. Words such as Eminent, Prestigious, and most of all - Global.
J’accuse is not just a magazine, it is a way of life. A growing economy underpinned by a robust strategic architecture, reasonably interpreted by sober regulatory judges. You can relax by the pool, or roll the dice in one of our world-class casinos. J’accuse has been the future for so long it no longer has a past.
Our readers are drawn from the luminaries of business, politics and finance. J’accuse subscribers form a veritable who’s who of high impact figures in the world today:
Warren Buffet - Top Investor
“Look, when I meet a new founder, I say two words: J’accuse. If you don’t get that your heads not in the game.”
Malala Yousufazi - professional whinger
“J’accuse provided a voice for grooming gang survivors like me.”
Ban Ki-Moon - Chinese Man who once owned the UN.
“I reed jah-koos oveh mai nood ugh evrugh mawning! Now I make BIG BUCKS!”
A distinguished statesman
President Barack Obama - Hip hop musician and former President of the United States.
“Uhhh okey doke worth ugh shot I guess ya got ughhhh bottled water over there and hey there’s a toilet in the White House an all.”
Robert Jenrick MP - Shadow Justice Secretary
“I’ve not spoken to another human in 128 DAYS. I’m scrounging enough food and water JUST to survive another day. J’accuse is my ONLY lifeline to the world of the living. HELP.”
David Cameron - Former Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Noted member of the ‘Chipping Norton set’.
“J’accuse is what I read while I lead. A gym for your brain. It will help you top up from the top down.”
Jeffrey Epstein - Financier and businessman
“I knew a guy. Guy by the name of Morty Isidore. Was a mensch. He turned the Asian futures desk at JP around when it was six feet under. He said to me ‘Jeff you have to read this!’ He died.”
Nelson Mandela - Demon
“A ferry gud erfening. There’s a not much to veed wheeeeeeeern you are in Hell. But Juh cuse is the very very best.”
Dame Judi Dench - The Nation’s Grandmother
“Sometimes, when the world is - well - when the world is a bit frightening, I like to just sit. By myself. With a cup of tea, maybe. And a biscuit. And I open J’accuse. And somehow, that makes everything sort of alright.”
Jimmy Savile - Beloved Disc Jockey, National Treasure
“Heughoeugh what do we have here a little birdie came and told Jimmeh about a couple of likely lads with a fancy tech magazine ogheughheugh now then now then and every day I now start the morning with a J’accuse business brief.”
J’accuse is expanding the scope of its operations. We are taking on three additional writers for a weekly column beginning this week; Torbert Fahey, Franz Pokorny and Rhodes Napier.
We are also expanding the number and range of guest contributions. If you have something original to say please do get in touch. All pitches to jaccusepaper@gmail.com
We are very close to 400 paid subscribers. They are the beating heart of this organ. Join their number today, stand up and be counted.
Should you need a correspondent in the immigrant ghetto of Madrid.