It is time for a Stupid Right
A Call to Arms
A quiet new intellectual revolution is brewing in Westminster. The Stupid Right. Increasingly influential commentators agree that instead of being intelligent, it is better to be extremely Stupid instead.
The Stupid Right is founded on a bold proposition. What if we were all more Stupid?
What if, instead of being a movement for intelligent people who aimed to be right about everything; we founded a movement for Stupid people who were wrong about everything?
What then?
Consider the case of Peter Mandelson.
Looked at from the perspective of an Intelligent person, it is obviously a bad idea and highly inept to give a corrupt, serial failure who handed over state secrets to a child-prostituting pimp a top diplomatic job.
Obviously, that such a decision was ever countenanced, is cause for a thorough examination of the system and those responsible should face penalties.
But, when analysed according to the far-ranging principles of Stupidity, it appears that this is not the case.
“Intelligent, witty people have written much about this case, but that’s not the end of the story…” Said party spokesman Chris Stupid in what was described as a ‘pugnacious’ press conference “... many extremely Stupid people are also going to formulate opinions on this matter, and we will be heard!”
“When Morgan McSweeney lost his mobile phone before the inquiry, an intelligent person would think something was going on there.” Max Stupid, another Anglo-Stupidist, told me afterwards, “But a Stupid person doesn’t think like that.” He said “They are less intelligent than clever people. A stupid person is asking questions like ‘what does this say about petty theft in London?’”
There is, according to the Stupid Right, an unfair bias against Stupidity in politics. Most of us assume we’d like to be intelligent, interesting and thoughtful people but the Stupid Right insist that people with lower-than-average IQs and people who fail even in simple tasks are also very valuable.
“Look,” said party chairman Bob Stupid, “If I wasn’t extremely Stupid, I would never have claimed that Peter Mandelson had ‘successfully charmed MAGA’ and thereby utterly and transparently failed to predict the obvious course of future events. If I had been of even average intelligence, I would’ve simply not commented on the situation.”
“But because I struggle to understand things which come easily to others, I look to other people for leadership. I was so Stupid, that I even tried to accuse the people who were already making fun of me of being ‘bitter’ and ‘resentful.’ That’s the thing about being Stupid. You’re slow and dim-witted.”
J’accuse asked Professor David Runciman of Cambridge University what distinguished the Stupid Right from other political movements. He said this:
“Most people in politics sometimes appear Stupid because they lie to themselves in order to defend deeply-held beliefs. The Stupid Right is actually the first movement of its kind made up of people who are extremely thick.”
He continued: “They lie to themselves about things which have no plausible benefit to themselves, or other people, because they are non-bright.”
I asked Bob Stupid whether the party’s stance on Mandelson conflicted with the Right’s broader opposition to mass immigration, a policy with which the disgraced Lord was strongly associated, and whether the Stupid Right might change its stance to get rid of a network including some of its most powerful enemies.
“Ah, working towards outcomes which benefit you.” Said Bob Stupid, with a dull sheen in his piggy eyes, “You see, that’s a sign of Intelligence. We’re asking people the question: what if you were Stupid instead? What then? What if you failed to achieve your objectives and lost at everything?”
I left our conversation, deeply impressed.
We spoke to Anglo-Stupidists about what attracted them to the ideology. Isridore Moronstein said that he “Never really realised he was Stupid” growing up “That’s” he chuckles “I guess what being Stupid is all about.”
“But I was always saying Stupid things and whenever someone else said something Stupid, I’d find myself agreeing with them.”
Sources close to the party say that the “rigmarole” stance on Peter Mandelson was only one of several deeply Stupid things said by the leadership this week.
“For example, Singapore has a selective education system and turned away refugees in defiance of Human Rights NGOs. Tony Blair hated selective education and wrote the power of Human Rights NGOs into law causing a massive spike in asylum seekers. It is obvious that Singapore is the most Blairite society on earth.”
He explains “See, that’s the sort of thing you have to be deeply, deeply Stupid to even consider saying. It’s not even contradictory, it is just a string of phatic noises like ‘mooo’ or ‘cock-a-doodle-doo’ emitted for the oral pleasure of the speaker. It immediately tells everyone else in the room there is literally zero point in talking the person who just said such a thing; you should just treat them like an animal, or a piece of furniture.”
