What you believe
You are going to take Britain into totally uncharted waters and offer a fresh alternative to the failed politics of yesteryear. Naturally, that means you will boldly endorse a mixed-market form of Socialism, devolving power to the regions in ‘the most centralised country on earth’, fully funding social care (‘nobody is sorting this out’) but also cracking down on benefits scroungers and forcing more young people off their Oxbridge laptops (‘you’re not in a punt now!’) and into vocational training. Of course, you will also tap into ‘Anglo Gaullist’ ideas like a strong Asia-Pacific pivot founded on unapologetic support for Israel’s right to defend itself with a long-term view to a two state solution in that region. And standing up to Autocracy everywhere. It is remarkable how no politician has ever said this since 1997. You may as well throw rejoining the E.U in there while you’re at it.
How to tell Lies
As a politician, you are here to tell lies. In some parts of the world, this is a dangerous profession but you have won the golden ticket allowing you to be a politician in Britain. In Britain, lies are only bad if they are about things which don’t matter. You shouldn’t lie that you ate a cake on the wrong day, or took political donations from a crypto billionaire instead of a billionaire media executive. You should lie about big, important things where your dishonesty will hurt millions of people: make sure to lie about things like wars, being friends with Jeffrey Epstein or ‘abolishing the triple lock.’ Nobody will care when you don’t, in fact, abolish the triple lock. Nobody will even remember praising you for abolishing the triple lock in the first place; just like nobody is embarrassed by the fact they said your predecessor would abolish the triple lock and ‘build the houses.’ This is because people in Britain are more stupid than people in other countries.
Know your audience
Your audience, like yourself, are people born in the 1960s. In the 2000s, these people started to have children and so ‘education’ became a priority. Now, these people’s children have all grown up and they are starting to care for elderly relatives and ‘social care’ is thus the only issue anyone is allowed to care about. You will now be ‘relatable’, ‘canny’, ‘speaking about something nobody else is talking about’ for exclusively catering to the passings concerns of people who manage national newspapers and own properties backed by 2008 debt. In fact, because you are a widely hated politician and not a celebrity, even these people probably won’t really care about the bit when you cry about your relatives. This doesn’t matter. You can simply invent a hypothetical demographic of ‘very stupid’ people for your allies and journalists to say hypothetically liked the speech.
Delivery
You want your Speech to be described by journalists as ‘parliament at its best’, ‘barnstorming’ or ‘the best speech in political memory.’ To do this, it is essential for your speech to contain no intellectual argument whatsoever, while somehow also coming across as dry, humourless and devoid of emotional passion as well. The best way for this to be achieved is to pick an issue like assisted dying, or intervention in Syria, and violently disagree with all scientific evidence and common sense on the issue while doing an impression of the Queen. You must study the great orators, Demosthenes, Cicero, JFK and do exactly the opposite of what they did. If you are arguing against something like Euthanasia, you must, under no circumstances, refute the arguments of your opponents: Parliament will only be ‘at its best’ if you repeat ‘I think this is wrong’ very solemnly and, then, when people try to ask why you think it is wrong, you must, with immense gravity, repeat ‘I think you are Wrong’ and keep repeating that this issue is simply ‘Wrong.’ It is Wrong that we are even here having this debate Mr. Speaker. Journalists will promptly declare Parliament was at its best, as usual, that day and praise you forever after as a ‘conviction politician’ so you can go back to stealing vast sums of money.