For Christmas: One Week Free Trials Are Now Open

Offer ends 28th of December

If you are a young man of a certain generation, images like the one below will have been formative to your socio-sexual development in adolescence:

I remember well believing that ‘earth tones’, courtesy of my friends at the male fashion advice on Reddit was the silver bullet for the congress with the opposite sex which desperately eluded me in my teenage years. Demanding that my parents pay north of two hundred pounds on brown ‘Timberland Boots’ so I would have something to wear to the house party I was not invited to but had overheard the location of at school. Nerves/anxiety prevented me from going to local ‘shops’ to try any of these clothes on so the fit would always be slightly off, zipper half down etc.

If you have never taken two buses to such a party through the suburbs, having to hold your new trousers up with your hands in your pockets, only to be turned away at the door by a performatively aggressive teenage boy (no doubt trying to impress the talent) you cannot even begin to conceive of the tragedy of the margins. I want to believe that Justin Bieber’s adolescence was secretly awful because the alternative - the satisfaction he must have felt at that age, for me a time of misery - is too horrendous to contemplate.

It is only in the twilight of my youth that I have fully soured on ‘male fashion advice’ and the attendant spheres which were dominant on the internet at the time, including Pick Up Artistry. Chateau Heartiste cannot be dismissed out of hand but the general thrust of these online journals, and thinking, was that you could make it while faking it - to adopt the symptoms of success - by learning how to shave with a straight razor and wearing well-fitted button-down shirts which cling to your shoulders - without catching the disease itself. To look and act like a winner without winning.

If I could take the fruitless hours I spent learning how to squat below parallel I would do it in a heartbeat, because I know now that it is all nonsense. With women, as Napoleon observed, ‘Power is what they like - it is the greatest aphrodisiac’, and before we are accused of sexism, I will grant that they also have a good nose for it too. You will never bamboozle them into believing you an alpha male because you’ve got the right chinos, and you will never project yourself with confidence until you have genuine self-worth.

And the only way to get there is money. Free subscribers, think of the genetics you are flushing down the drain if you do not give me enough money to help me reproduce. It is sinful. Satan may well punish you in hell for it, and there’s a good chance that I will punish you on Earth.

Look at the achievements of this publication in the past year alone - Lawrence Newport indicted for Treason, the election of Donald Trump - It is reasonable to assume that, within a few short decades, myself and my co-author will become very powerful men indeed. Those with the wisdom to take out paid subscriptions early will be thanking their past selves as Earth is made Elysium, and they are its chosen people. Freescum will be howling hopelessly from their metal cages.

For the next week, and the next week alone, you may enjoy a free one week trial for J’accuse, and enjoy the entire back catalogue over the Christmas holidays.