A farewell to J’accuse 1.0
“We need to Modernise”
Inside of each man there are two wolves.
Their names are Gordon Brown and Tony Blair.
One half of our inner selves is rigorous, righteous, honest to the point of fault.
The other, often our public face, presentable yet vacuous.
“And when those two are pulling together…”
They are unstoppable.
But there are times. When, on the precipice of power.
Instead of pulling together, these two forces begin to pull apart.
The question of principles against profit is one which runs through many of life’s endeavours.
Do you forsake an interesting career for a well renumerated one?
Apply to Cambridge for History and Politics, or Theology Tripos?
A backbench rebel, or a Cabinet Minister?
At times, a compromise position is clear;
In business, we tease out our more controversial opinions from a place of respectability.
In the world of work, wait until our feet are firmly under the desk and the legal probation period had come to pass, before we begin to share more advanced theories on the various cabals.
In the field of love, it is the expectation that we shall present the best version of ourselves, at first, before gently accommodating our opposite number to the Gordon that is within us.
But there are times when the immovable object must be met by the unstoppable force.
When we must change. Truly change. If we are to see where the path may take us…
J’ACCUSE OFFICES, CENTREPOINT, APRIL 2022
“AND CHARLIE, CHARLIE, LET ME TELL YOU, HIS UNCLE WAS MOUNTBATTEN, THE CLASS OF KINCORA ’73, AND HE MET SAVILE AS A BOY.”
“PARADING AROUND WITH A BOYFRIEND HALF HIS AGE.”
“Well, you see, there’s these charities, and they get funding from, listen to this, they actually get funding from the Home Office, and-“
“FUCK OFF. KEEP BRITAIN FREE. WWG1WGA.”
Inside, two young men on the make are discussing the future of the Substack.
“Listen, Gordon, this really can’t go on. These people are dinosaurs! I’ve heard on the grapevine that Neil Dot O’Brien is lurking, and-
“I BELIEVE YOU ARE REFERRING TO ‘NEIL O’VACCINES’ TONY???”
“I’m glad you brought that up, Gordon. I’ve been thinking, this stuff on vaccines. It doesn’t really, I mean, it’s over now, isn’t it? I just think people would rather read more measured pieces on politics. Or lifestyle things, e-bikes. Headbands. Things that appeal to women, satire pieces like Millie Chapman. That sort of thing.”
“WE ARE AN ANTI-VACCINES PAPER OR WE ARE NOTHING! END OF DISCUSSION!”
THE WINDSOR CASTLE, JULY 2023
“Well, thanks for coming to the party, sorry about, well, yes I can quite see that some of the guests got carried away, and I don’t think he actually meant that you a, errr.. a …”
“I HOPE YOU AREN’T APOLOGISING TO THAT 3DPD TONY!”
“Gordon, she’s a top journalist, please!”
“SHE’S WELL PAST HER PRIME TONY, NO NEED TO BE WORRYING ABOUT HER!”
“GORDON! She’s twent-“
“AYE, THAT’S MY POINT!”
“I really wish you wouldn’t say that sort of thing…”
THE WORLD’S END PUB, MARCH 2024
“GORDON. This is the fourth time we’ve gone over this. You have absolutely no credible evidence base to suggest that Ed Davey is a homosexual.”
“We’ll never be a seen as a mainstream publication if we continue to pump out libellous claims about various innocent men with television careers.”
“We’ve got an election coming up, and I’d really like to talk up the chances of a Tory Reform pact! You write for the readers we already have! I’m writing for the ones that we don’t! Yet!”
“MARGARET THATCHER PROTECTED PETER HAYMAN AND WAS A CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND OF JIMMY SAVILE, TONY!”
“People don’t want to read that Gordon. They want to read about disability allowances, and dangerous dog bans. Kitchen table issues, the ones that really matter.”
And so they stewed…
LA PETITE AUBERGE, JUNE 2025
“Gordon”.
“TONY.”
“Gordon, I think we should meet.”
“TONY?”
“Yes, Gordon. Hi. Listen. It’s me, Tony.”
“TONY. GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU.”
“Yes, yes. The same to you. Listen, Gordon. I think we should meet. La Petite. You know the place. La Petite.”
“AYE. I DO. SEE YOU THERE.”
The two sit down. But Tony doesn’t wait for the wine to make his case…
“Gordon. Look. You might not want to hear this, but it’s the truth. If we really want to be taken seriously by the powers that be. We’ve got to modernise. Broaden our appeal. Speak to Middle England. Budget Holidays to Take Yer Bird, as an example.”
“YOU’LL NEVER WIN OVER THE DISCORD WITH THAT CRAP TONY.”
“Come on, Gordon. £25 to Tirana with £2.30 pints, it’s decent. And she’ll be happy because there are plants in the garden.”
“DO I REALLY HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU TONY? IT’LL ERADICATE THE LAST REMAINING VESTIGES OF EUROPA AND FLOOD IT WITH 2:1 FROM EXETER GOLDMAN GRAD SCHEME INHERITANCE GIBS SLAVES.”
“Now you really are just being a contrarian for the sake of it.”
“DID YOU BRING ME HERE TO INSULT ME?”
“No! Nothing of the sort. Gordon, I want this to work, I really do, but look, you are swimming against the tide here! Can’t you see? If we play along with this new ‘online right’, well, who knows? But we’ll be remembered for something other than denying the existence of Christmas.”
“IF YOU THINK I’M GOING TO LET THIS MAGAZINE BECOME A JOURNAL OF ‘ICONIC VENUES’ YOU ARE SORELY MISTAKEN.”
“Gordon. You’ve got me all wrong. What I’m saying instead is that. Well, think about it like this. What if we took the radical messaging, and gave it a more polished image. A refresh of the website. Checking the spelling before we upload the articles. That sort of thing.”
“WELL. IF YOU THINK IT WILL MAKE MORE MONEY, FINE”
“Really. It’s that easy?”
“...”
“Great. That’s really great.”
Some stories have happy endings…
“How about another attack on Drupka Kunley?”
“THE THRALLS TOO, TONY...THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US AND HITLER IS THAT WE CAN FIGHT A WAR ON TWO FRONTS AND WIN.”
Fin.
Does this mean J'Accuse is going to start doing "Roland rat" style university courses?